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Daredevil

Not the comic book character, silly. Me.

Aside from wanting to be sorted into the same house as the major Harry Potter characters, I've always thought I've been wrongly placed in Gryffindor. I've never been brave, never been courageous. But it seems that all the sorting hat programs insist on putting me in the House of the Brave.

I remember when I started to read "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone", and thought... man, these Gryffindors are daredevils. But now I understand....

Some years ago, I found a verse tacked to the door of my computer programming teacher's office. I was inspired, and used it to make my way through college. After much labor and sacrifice, I graduated. A little over a year ago, I used that quote to justify a big step I needed to take. I will need to risk my emotions, my happiness, a friendship I treasured. I'll need to lower my shields. Eventually I took that step and promptly fell into a deep rabbit hole and have yet to find a way out of it. Today, I still have yet to find a way out... but I've proven that somehow, the verse actually made sense....

To laugh is to risk appearing like a fool...
I've made so many mistakes and took so many risks this past year. But you can count my more successful endeavors on the fingers of your two hands. It used to be that all I could do when I fail is cry. But then it's miserable enough as it is, so why cry? So after much analyses (okay, and much crying), I can now laugh at the situation I've found myself in. It hurts, yes, but... Maybe laughter will help me heal. Foolish me? Maybe.

To weep is to risk being called sentimental....
Before I could laugh at all this, I admittedly wept. It's funny how this workmate of mine spots these things so easily. She asked "you cried last night didn't you"? So I did. But it's not really being overly sentimental. It is not a sign of weakness. It's being emotional and being human. Besides, if weeping will help to ease the pain, I don't care what names they call me by.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement....
Reaching out is the very heart of being in a community, of being in a family, of being in a friendship, of being in any relationship. There is no point in being in these relationships if you keep your doors closed. Yes, involvement is indeed a risk. You get caught up, and sometimes you can't even get out of it. You risk getting hurt, you risk hurting others in turn. But I think the risks outweigh the possible rewards. Getting involved means making a difference in someone else's life... and these people make a difference in our lives too. That's what makes it all worthwhile. Life would be worthless if we just passed through it without reaching out and touching the lives of others. Ditch the fear, take the risk, open the door, cross the threshold. I did....

To expose feelings is to risk sharing your true self....
...Is that so bad? It's not. At least not until you realize just how others are afraid to share themselves with you. But being your true self is the right way to be. More often than not, I've found that the disguises we use are actually the very things that will cause us pain and misery. There is no need for masks.

To place ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk being naive....
My differing ideas about my biggest risk-taking failure so far indeed seems naive. But if I hadn't taken the risk, I would never have learned, never have had the opportunity to see the different sides of human nature. In this aspect, I at least seem to have been rewarded.

To love is to risk not being loved in return....
This was my biggest risk-taking failure.

To hope is to risk despair....
.... I've always hoped that things will change or get a little bit better. But despair is all I've ever found inside the rabbit hole. "Hope is the quintessential human emotion. It is at once its greatest strength and its greatest weakness.". Man, would you believe it, it's actually true.

To try is to risk failure....
*sigh*

But only the one who risks is truly free.
For someone who took this many risks to make that big step-decision? I sure don't feel like I'm free. I sure don't feel like I'm alive or proud. I feel small and alone. In fact, this feels very much like what happens when an ant dares to step out into the big big world, and ends up getting stepped on. Ack. All the fear and vulnerability and pain and loss that I guarded myself against when I risked that decision, I feel them all now.

Should I ever dare to take a risk again? Maybe. After all, if I don't risk anything, I'll never get anywhere. Surely, there must be some sense in this verse. Maybe the more risks I take, the more chances for success? Nah, probably not. As Han Solo wisely said, "Never tell me the odds.". Life wouldn't be... well... life, if it can be easily defined by formulas that can easily be solved. I should just move along, carpe diem, risk again, and do what my heart tells me. Maybe eventually, the universe will reward me for my patience. Hopefully....

I've never been much of a daredevil, never been brave enough in true Gryffindor fashion. You would probably need to bribe me to get into a roller coaster! The risks this past year have been more than I've ever taken before in my life. And for that I get stuck in the rabbit hole? Not good, is it? But I'm veering away from depression. It's all just not worth that anymore. But the sadness and bitterness and disillusionment, I'm afraid, remain.

I am a Gryffindor. I've finally accepted that. But even Lions get wounded and even Lions hurt. No one can blame me if all I really feel like doing now is be as small as possible, and hide under a huge shell at the beach on the coast of Italy and stay there for some time. Maybe that will help heal heart and soul. But until I can get there, a true friend's loving arms will have to do.


To laugh is to risk appearing like a fool.
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To place ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk being naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But only the one who risks is truly free.
--- Fr. Evarist Verlinden


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part6 *** 09.25.2003