YOU DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH

A parody of "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain

Setting: Draco Malfoy (and Crabbe and Goyle, of course) meet Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Hogwarts hallways and decide to make a musical encounter of it.

Spoiler alerts for:

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

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DRACO (to Hermione):

I've known a few gals who thought they were pretty smart.
But I admit you are the smartest at Hogwarts.
But are those your front teeth? Your hair is a puffball,
You're a Mudblood, you're a regular know-it-all.

Oh, you think you're special,
Oh, you think you're something else.

Okay. So you're the teachers' pet.

That don't impress me much.
So you've got the brains, but have you got the blood?
You may perfect the NEWTs, you can study all night.
But that won't matter when the Malfoy name wields its might.
You don't impress me much.

(instrumental)

DRACO (to Ron):

I never knew a guy with less Galleons in his pocket,
And a second-hand robe that's all trimmed with lace.
You can belch out slimy slugs to fill a whole bucket.
You wish you had more money
Than the freckles on your face.

Oh, you think you're special.
Oh, you think you're something else.

Okay. So you're a Weasley.

That don't impress me much.
So you've got the name, but have you got the gold?
Your Mum works all day, but we have a house elf.
I think I'll lounge around while you clean your room yourself.
You don't impress me much.

(instrumental)

DRACO (to Harry):

You're one of those guys who almost equals my fame,
You've got a stash of gold at Gringotts
And you've got a good name.
Folks just adore you, but do you even recall why?
The Dark Lord will soon come. He'll get you by and by.

Oh, they think you're something special.
Oh, they think you're something else.

Okay. So you've got a scar.

That don't impress me much.
So you've got the fans, but have you got the love?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not envious at all.
I am not an orphan and I have got it all.
You don't impress me much.

CRABBE & GOYLE:

Uh-uh, oh, no!

DRACO (to Harry again):

They think you're cool, but have you got my style?
You've got it wrong, you cannot win the fight.
I'll knock you off your broom, wiped... clean... out of sight.
You don't impress me much.

(instrumental)

Okay, so what do you think, you're Godric's heir or something?

(more instrumental)

You don't impress me!

(DRACO smirks, and strides haughtily away from the trio followed by Crabbe and Goyle.)

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    Copyright:    GiNnYSkywalker, February 2002