Wednesday, November 06, 2002
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Last year, just before "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" the movie came out, I wrote a little spoof just for fun. I'm not even sure if the parallels are accurate, but what the hey! Sometimes, when your brain is just too tired, all this weird stuff happens. LOL. I recently found the text file, and decided to put it up here. Needless to say, JK Rowling owns the right to all the characters in the Harry Potter series, and nobody is making any money out of this. References to people, places, and even creatures, were not intentionally made in a derogatory manner. This was written all in good fun, and it's all entirely speculative and based on the author's imagination. Here goes nothing... (LOL.)

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Harry Potter and the Pearl of the Orient Seas

No, that's not the title of a new JK Rowling book. It's just that lately, I've been thinking about what it would be like if the Harry Potter books were set in the Philippines. Hmmmm....

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Several weeks before term starts on November 1, a mysterious letter arrives for Harry Potter. His Uncle Vernon intercepts it, reads it, panics, and does his best to further intercept any more letters. Heaps of mail arrive for Harry, entering the house from the most unlikely places, so Uncle Vernon decides to bring the whole family out of town. But eventually, Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys, catches up with them and reveals that Harry is actually a wizard. The next day, Hagrid brings Harry to a little noodle house in Chinatown, where people shook his hand a lot and seemed really thrilled to meet him. In a back room, Hagrid taps the requisite bricks with his umbrella, and they enter Divisoria Alley.

Hagrid took Harry into a little bar for some refreshments before shopping. He was relieved. They just got out of Gringotts Bank where he withdrew some money. Gringotts was ran by Dwendes who were particularly good at guarding treasure. He didn't enjoy the cart ride through the underground vaults of Gringotts. The Dwende who drove the cart distinctly said "One speed only!" when Hagrid asked him to slow down, and he was driving like he was in Formula One. Harry's knees were still a little shaky. He ordered some kalamansi juice at the bar, while Hagrid opted for a mug of San Miguel Beer. He still looked a little sick from the cart ride.

Harry was able to buy all his school supplies at bargain prices in shops in Divisoria Alley, including his new wand, made of strong kamagong wood, and containing a phoenix feather. Hagrid used to have a wand which was made of narra. It was snapped in half when he was expelled from Hogwarts, but the pieces are now hidden in his umbrella. Hagrid bought Harry a Kalapati as a gift, and told him that they are the most useful pets, as they can be used to deliver mail.

On November first, Harry was instructed to board the Hogwarts Express on the Southeast Bound platform of the Shaw Boulevard station of the MRT. Harry thought that was weird. The MRT only had North Bound and South Bound platforms. Uncle Vernon just laughed out loud. When he got to the station, he didn't know what to do. But suddenly, he saw a woman hustling several children, all of them dragging a "baul" just like his, and talking about how the whole station was full of Muggles. "Muggle" was a word he heard Hagrid use in reference to non-magical folk. He approached the woman and asked for help. The woman told Harry to lean on one of the walls, and when he did, he was magically transported to the Southeast Bound platform. He boarded the train, and wondered just where Hogwarts School was actually located. He was in a compartment with one of the sons of the woman from the station, Ron. Ron said that the only thing anyone knew was that the school was located somewhere in Capiz, and that the train was enchanted so that it can move over water, and it doesn't need a railroad track to run on. Sure enough, he noticed that the Hogwarts Express seemed to be floating off the ground like a hovercraft.

That was how Harry's term started. Eventually, they arrived at Hogwarts, and entered the Great Hall, and waited to be sorted into their respective Houses. Ron thought there would be some kind of test, but all one had to do to be sorted was to put on the magical Sorting Salakot. After the sorting, they all sat down for the start of term feast. Harry sat opposite a ghost. He was wearing a barong tagalog, and he said that he used to be a wealthy haciendero from a nearby province, but his workers rebelled and murdered him. He warned the first years about the White Lady, another one of the ghosts inhabiting the school. She tended to be very scary, and enjoyed making students scream in fright.

Harry enjoyed school, even if the whole wizarding world was new to him, and everything seemed very weird. He liked his classes, except for Potions. The Potions master hated him. He loved taking points off of Harry's house, but he seemed like a very well trained wizard. The other students say that he learned most of his craft from a master wizard herbalist who used to sell his potions to Muggles in front of the Quiapo Church back in Manila. He made a lot of money because they were very effective, but later, business declined because of another master herbalist named Ernie Baron. The professor's master now sells only Gayumas. The Hogwarts matron, Madam Pomfrey, trained under Ernie Baron, and used most of his potions to treat the students' more common illnesses even though Mr. Baron's concoctions are based on scientific research, and did not involve magic at all. But she insists that there are no substitutes for her excellent healing spells, and her own magical concoctions.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was another story. He is a famous Mambabarang from a nearby town, and was very good at his job. He taught the class all about Dark Creatures like Manananggals and Tiyanaks and how to defeat them. He said that when you find the lower half of the body of a Manananggal, you should sprinkle salt on it to destroy it. If the manananggal is not able to unite with its lower half by sunrise, it will be completely destroyed. He also taught a lot of counter curses.

They also had a discussion about a particularly unusual curse, much like the Cruciatus curse, and used by local witches called Mangkukulams. It involved a doll made in the likeness of the person you were cursing, and sticking needles into different parts of the doll. The person will feel pain in the corresponding part of his body. The professor pointed out that it was an unusual curse because it didn't require a wand. But the counter curse for it is his specialty, so they devoted an entire day to studying it.

The next meeting, they discussed Agimats, devices Muggles use to ward off anything from dark spirits to bullets (the thing that shoots out of Guns - metal wands that Muggles use to kill each other). Agimats are sold by enterprising wizards to Muggles in the black market, as the Ministry of Magic impose heavy fines on Agimat distribution. Ministry officials say selling Agimats to Muggles is a violation of International Magic Secrecy laws.

The Transfiguration teacher gave the class a special lesson on Animagi. But she warned about how to distinguish Animagi from Aswangs. Aswangs were discussed further in D.A.D.A. class.

The Forbidden Forest in the school grounds was intriguing. What exactly is in there? Hagrid told Harry that Tikbalangs, half man half horse creatures, inhabited the Forest and were very hostile, although non-violent, toward humans. He said that there were also Diwatas and Ermitanyos there, and sometimes, they will deliberately cause you to get lost in the Forest for days. Hagrid also warned Harry about the lone tree planted on the school grounds. It was the Whomping Balete, a tree whose trunks are like fists, and will knock you out with its punches if you got too close to it. The White Lady was to be seen near the Whomping Balete often.

Some of the older students take up Divination, which is taught by a witch named Madam Aurora. She tended to stare at her crystal ball all day. But she also teaches Numerology, Palmistry, and Astrology, as other forms of Divination. She was also adept at telling fortunes using cards (sometimes using Tarot cards, sometimes playing cards). Lately, Madam Aurora was always in the papers, as she was rumored to be dating a famous Muggle singer named Victor. He has the same surname as the Gryffindor Quidditch Team captain. Harry found it weird that when Madam Aurora was asked by the reporter if she can predict her wedding date or if she will get married to the singer at all, she was deliberately vauge. Most of the teachers stayed away from the North Tower where her offices were located. They didn't particularly like Divination.

Aside from Ron, Harry had another new friend, Hermione. She was a very clever witch, and they became friends when he and Ron saved her when they accidentally locked her up in the girls' bathroom with a Kapre.

Quidditch is fun, too. Flying is fun. Even if First Years were not allowed to have brooms, Harry was given special permission by the Headmaster so he can play on the House Team as a Seeker. His Walis Tingting was a state-of-the-art Nimbus Two Thousand. He preferred the Walis Tinting to the Walis Tambo, which was less aerodynamic.

School was magical. Harry wished he could stay at Hogwarts forever, and would not have to go back to the Dursleys. But he had no choice. At least by the end of term, he will know some spells that he can practice on Dudley. Now, THAT would be a fun summer.